To My Children With Love
I look through the smudged glass and see a kaleidoscope of color, each dancing with unseen arms. Chill blows against my bare skin, I lift my collar, and savor the last of the hot tea. How beautiful, the display set before me, as iridescent tears race down the pane. The view is a painting from God. Fall is in the air. The seasons come and go, and such it is with life, isn’t it? Yes, fall is indeed in the air, and I find myself also in the fall of my life.
Since I was a tiny girl I longed to be a mother, to love and to nurture, and to be loved. When my dream came to fruition, I couldn’t have been happier. Other young women my age were seeking careers, trying to find their way in the world. I, however, was content changing diapers and wiping little crusty peanut butter mouths. Nothing made me prouder than to be your mommy! There is no job in this world more important.
Each of you had me running with your own unique personalities. Ashley, my little mother hen, you were the one always wanting to take control. My little snooper, you had to know what was going on at all times. I could never hide Christmas presents without your snooping! At times frustrating, yes, but now it makes me smile. But what a lovely young woman you’ve become. Look how your take charge attitude has helped you to become a leader and successful in all you do.
Jacob, goodness, you never sat still, always looking for a new adventure, and at age 3 you tried to find it atop the TV tower! I think I started sprouting gray hairs that very day! Thank God that he has watched over you!J You kept me on my toes, to be sure. Your imagination always kept you busy, and that is a gift. I want you to know how proud I am to call you my son. You also were (and always will be) a great Marine, and a hero too many. I am so grateful to God for bringing you home to us safe and sound.
Caleb, you were my precious sweet little happy Caleb. What a gift you were to each of us at such a tumultuous time; sweet yet, under that surface was just enough feistiness that kept me laughing and worrying. ;) What a kind heart you have underneath that orneriness. Now you’re 21 and I am so grateful God allowed you to be my son!
Noah, my baby boy, who was always fussing, I thought you’d never out grow it. Yet, my how you’ve grown into a tenderhearted and loving young man! Never lose that tender heart! I know it will serve you well.
Each of you has a special place in my heart, and you each hold your own key to that place. I am proud of each of you. As I sat watching out that window on that fall day, I realized how raising children in today’s world comes with new challenges prior generations did not have to face. They did not have the mind gluttony we have today. Things like TV, the internet, radio, pornography, etc. tend to keep us comatose spiritually. It’s so easy to have our spirits sucked dry by these things. The noise drowns out the voice of God.
My love for Jesus was one thing I hoped would somehow trickle down “onto” each of you. I tried desperately to share it with you in my own feeble attempts. Somehow I feel like it competed with the world’s many voices and may have gotten lost in the shuffle. Being a parent takes much wisdom, and I too had to face the same kind of challenges. Simply put, the world calls each of our names. I came to realize long ago, that I made many mistakes along the way. What parent doesn’t? One thing to be sure, I love you all very much and want only the very best for each of you. I hope my best, though it was imperfect was enough for you to know how much you are loved.
As I’ve walked along this road map of life, I’ve had my own bumps and bruises along the way. And I’ve come to see that my own walk with the Lord has been a progression. I see now that for many years I thought I was walking with the Lord. Honestly, I was walking many steps ahead of him, trying to clear and create my own path, rather than walk with him as he showed me the one he created for me. The trouble clearing your own path is that you can’t see above the tall grass ahead of you. (And the predators love to wait in the tall grass, waiting for the perfect opportunity of weakness to attack.) God sees the hiding places and wants to steer us toward safety. And then there are all those thorns that have a way of getting stuck. What I now realize is I had religion, not relationship. I was not abiding IN Him; I was walking my own path, trying to be all to everyone. I had become my own god and didn’t even know it. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 3:5 & 6 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways and he will make your paths straight.”
Through God’s grace, I came to recognize my deep thirst for Him, and the sin I was committing, and so I went on a mission to find him. He was there all along of course, calling my name- but I could not hear him over the noise of life. I needed to stop, turn around and walk back to him and his path. I knew what it was to have a Savior, now it was time to allow him to be LORD.
In my effort to be the best mom to you, I missed out on something that was precious. (Oh how blind we are when walking in the darkness.) I tried so desperately to create the “perfect home” for us that I lost track of what really mattered in life, quality time spent with each of you. I was busy chasing marbles…
Marbles: the distractions of life, created by ones own desires, agendas, and worries. Marbles: come in many sizes; and often roll into one’s life through preconceived notions, false expectations, responsibilities and the enemy’s lies. Yes, I spent much time chasing marbles, trying to keep them in my thread barren bag of ‘perfection.’ It was easy at first, controlling those marbles, holding it all together. As time went on, more and more marbles would fall out of my “fix it” bag and off I’d go again, chasing those stupid marbles. After all, I was the ‘keeper of the marbles.’ What’s worse is that I chased marbles that weren’t mine to chase. That is an exhausting way to live and a wonderful scheme of the enemy to steal time and joy from God’s children.
Now I am in this new season of motherhood. The Lord has shown me that I am no longer responsible for each of you and your choices. I will admit that it was a hard pill to swallow when he showed me this. I can only hope that I did a good job preparing you for this world and more importantly, the one to come. I pray that you will find it in your hearts to forgive me for my failures and many shortcomings. Personally, I’ve experienced a journey I never would have expected, but it is through the failures and dark times that I’ve learned some of the greatest lessons of my life. And the Lord has shown me it’s time to let go of those marbles I been trying to carry and keep so perfect. It’s time to recognize this new season.
We are all in a different season now- as mother and child. I no longer will take responsibility for those things for which I am no longer responsible. I will choose to let go of that marble as the Lord requested. You are free to live, to love and to learn. There will be times you too will fail, but I will always be here to listen and to love you. I will always have hugs and if necessary, comfort food ;) One of the hardest things for this mom is learning how to stop mothering and to simply become your friend. Please give me grace as I learn. When I see you making poor choices, I’ll still desire to chime in with my two cents worth, because I love you. And I probably will do so- again grace please. Ultimately however, you are responsible to God. It is Jesus you will answer to from now on, and if you are wise you will let him do the leading. Know I will be right here praying for you daily. Be careful not to run ahead of God, because there are many hiding in the tall grasses, who want to steal away all that God has for you. My prayer is that I will become a good example for you; one of the Lord’s love and of true faith as I learn to walk in the Shadow of the Lord, giving him my marbles one at a time. May you come to recognize his voice even amongst the noise.
Yes, I am in the fall of my life. But the truth is we are All in the fall of our lives. None of us knows when our days are up. There is nothing more important in this world than walking with the Lord; it is the only thing that lasts for all eternity. There is nothing more satisfying than living in the joy and peace that only He can give. I pray you won’t chase marbles. It’s a daily battle we face, learning to let go and let God. Learn from my mistakes. Life is full of mistakes, they are not failures. That is unless, you do not learn from them. Be wise; seek wisdom- the wisdom that God freely gives.
One day Jesus asked me to give up my marbles, to give them to him. Jesus then showed me in a vision. It was his righteous right hand and he was holding my marbles. Later that day he showed me another vision. This time he was letting the marbles slip out of his hand. At first, I didn’t understand but then showed me his closed fist and it was opening. There he held a handful of beautiful pearls. He wants to exchange our marbles for pearls.
Like those marbles, it’s time for me to give each of you completely over to God. After all, that is all he wanted in the first place. (Oh how much freedom I would have had if I had just trusted him with you all those years ago.) It wasn’t my job to create the perfect life for you, it was my job to simply love you and entrust you to my God- our God and King. You are his chosen children. The question is, will you choose him and his way for your lives? I thank the Lord for each of you; I love you all very much. He holds you in the palm of his hand, and I believe it is through our hardships that we receive pearls of wisdom. He never said life would be easy, but he did say, he’d be with you showing you the next step.
And so now I give each of you, my precious babies, to the Lord to hold, to protect, to encourage and to guide. May he give each of you revelation, so that you may know him, and the eyes of your hearts be enlightened so that you will know the hope and glorious inheritance for those who believe. May each of your hearts become soft and pliable, like putty, yet skin so tough that this world’s lies cannot penetrate. May your eyes be made to see clearly and your ears open to hear his guiding voice. May he surround each of you with his unfailing love and his kindness which brings us to repentance. And may you be open to the refining fires which build strong character and much wisdom.
I love each of you with all my heart and will hold you up in prayer- asking that God’s righteous right hand hold you all the days of your lives! You are my precious ones, and I am so very proud to be your mother.
In him and his love
With all my Love, Mom
