JOY, a Blanket for the Soul

                                                                          


The morning frost stirred so I quickly grabbed a blanket, wrapping it around my shoulders. The warmth quickly settled the chill and put to rest the shiver deep within. I was grateful for the balm of the fabric, soft and plush yet my fingers, still exposed, ached from the cold.


I am a blanket girl; I love to be warm and cozy. Even growing up on warm spring and summer days I would grab my mother’s crocheted afghan and wrap it completely around until I was cocooned all snug. My step-father was always perplexed by how I could stay hidden on such warm days. I have always loved my blankets, and the older I have grown the more dependent I have become on them.



Yet some blankets can be very deceiving. They are not nearly as warm as they appear and only offer a measly morsel of protection against the frigid air. They wear the title of blanket but are simply a piece of thin fabric. Yet we grab for them just the same. I have found with such blankets a need to layer them in order to feel the warmth. Yet, isn’t it interesting that blankets themselves do not offer warmth (unless electric) rather they simply keep the warmth in that is already there?


Joy is like that. It comes from the inside and works its way out, though so often we try to heat our souls from the outside in; and for those whose joy has all but dried up one blanket is never enough. Many of us have put on faux ‘joy blankets.’ They come in many shapes and colors; appearing to be warm to the soul only to leave us bone aching cold. We shiver so we add another layer and another and another. Before we know it, the weight of the blankets become heavy and burdensome and we are bogged down.


***************************************************



I asked the Lord to refine me.



“You do not know what you ask, refining is painful.”



I asked again, Lord please refine me.



He was right I did not know what I was asking. How could I? Does a student fully understand the lesson before it has been taught?



With each equation of the refining process a new layer from the faux ‘joy blanket’ pile was removed, one after another. Those blankets had been my security for such a very long time. I had hidden underneath them for so long that I simply forgot what I was hiding from. So when I laid there bare and exposed, the blankets all gone, I found myself shivering under the elements of the harsh reality of a heart longing for joy, full of insecurities. My heart raw and transparent; completely wide open; open and frail and though it hurt looking into the eyes of my insecurities; it also was in that place that God began to work; to reconstruct, to heal. I looked long and hard into the pain that I had covered for so long, that I tried to shield, and realized that even pain had become comfortable. But God removes us from ‘comfortable’ when we ask to be refined; and in the refiner’s fire he does not stand outside watching, instead he is there with us in the fire protecting us from being completely consumed and all the while he is catching our tears. Our tears he gathers and uses and I find great comfort in knowing that not one is lost. Not one tear has gone unnoticed.





I went through a period of wondering what would become of me since I stopped layering, for layering had lost its charm; it too had been exposed and laid bare. So I waited, grasping at simple trust; reaching for a good God who gives good gifts, even in the midst of fire. Though smoke threatens to choke, it is his voice that directs me to safety.





I felt much like Forrest Gump when he stopped running. In the movie, Forrest Gump, Forrest had been running and running for months. One day, he decided it was time to stop. In the middle of the desert wilderness he simply stopped. I felt like Forrest, somewhat lost, tired and ready to stop running, to stop layering, and so I too stopped. I asked God, “Now what?”



“What did Forrest do?”



He turned and he went back home.


“Yes, he turned and went back home.”

If home is where the heart is, my home needed some attention. Thankfully, the Lord is the best housekeeper and organizer when it comes to things of the heart. So I invited him in to show me more. He revealed that he had removed the blankets but wanted to replace them with authenticity, a warming of the depths which rises to the surface.


He opened my closet door and pointed to my stack of blankets which were folded ever so neatly.


“Joy is not found in the cloaks or blankets you wear or keep. There is no spiritual osmosis for Joy. Joy does not come from the outside, but rises from deep within. Circumstances will try to rob you, drowning the voice that whispers faith. Trust in my GOODNESS and this will give life to Joy. Distraction tries to blind you from the gifts I give you; there are gifts even in the pain. Fear will scream that I cannot be trusted, do not listen to that lie! Remember me in all things, and in all things you can know that it is by grace and love that I give. Nothing comes to you without first being sifted by my hands. It is all grace; it is all good, even when your feelings say otherwise. In knowing this, you can give praise, you can offer gratitude. And in that place you find JOY, genuine warmth for the soul.”

******************************************************
To date I wish I could say I LIVE JOY. It seems I find it one minute and the next it has slipped away, so elusive. It is like the flutter of the whisper of God, and I am not certain it can be fully captured. But I now find peace in recognizing that I know where it lives and how to find my way back home to it again. Joy can be found yet it is a precious gem, a treasure to hold dear and close, something to be sought after. Much like the pearl, it is through abrasion that we often find it. And when the insecurities rise up their ugly heads again, I can now know that it is in trusting God in ALL things and with a grateful heart that I will find the truest treasure of all, a great pearl, one to cherish- JOY, a blanket for the soul.

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with THANKSGIVING, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard you hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:4-6











































"You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore."
Psalm 16:10-11

Who Am I?

We all have worn masks, bought the lie, but GOD has a different plan...What's your secret name?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vkXGl5r1-Mc&feature=player_embedded

Lessons from Shadow: learning about God through the eyes of a dog

ADOPTION PAPERS


I was convinced I would NOT have another pet again. After having my new custom sofa chewed to pieces and a hole torn in the middle of my handmade quilt from two half crazed dogs, I was once and for all ready to give up the title of ‘pet owner.’ And I did. But a year or two later standing at a local shelter a little fuzz face melted my heart. Who could resist the little tufts of fur atop of his fluffy head, and those eyes like little moons of emotion? This mama’s hard exterior was soon made soft and before I knew it, I was once again headed for the title...


If you'd like to read the rest of this entry and more Lessons from Shadow: Learning about God through the eye of a dog, please visit my new blogsite @

www.lessonsfromshadow.blogspot.com

Living Faith

Anxiety, like a thief in the night, comes to steal the peace of God’s children. When my head hits the pillow, anxiety never announces that will be breaking into my peaceful night’s rest. Yet it often makes its way into my room, always in the wee morning hours. Always without compassion and without warning it abruptly awakens me. Though the room is dark and I am the only one stirred, my reaction is like a well-rehearsed dance, and I find myself always whispering the same three words, “Lord, help me.” It is a plea from deep within, below the depths of a sleepy mind.





Before this dawn the bandit once again jabbed my shoulder.





Not you again.





As usual I did not know why he came, for life is truly good. I am blessed, I am not facing disease nor any recognizable dangers in which I am aware; so why another visit?





What do you accuse me of this time?





A sudden lump in my throat, the pounding of a frightened heart meant his presence was more than known. My mouth took its post and began to whisper the usual plea, the only thing it could speak at three am.





Lord, help me.





It was the desperate plea of a distracted soul under attack; and yet this time, there on my pillow, something stood out differently; A recognizable hidden despair, the desperation, and more importantly,” the doubt.”





Where is the faith?





Was my plea one of faith or one of trust? Was it simply the tapping of the panic button? My eyes opened as I tried to bury my head further, hoping to close out the darkness.





Where was the faith? Words of scripture raced through my mind…





“1I, James, am a slave of God and the Master Jesus, writing to the twelve tribes scattered to Kingdom Come: Hello! Faith *Under Pressure





2-4Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced *into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.





5-8If you don't know what you're doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You'll get his help, and won't be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, *without a second thought. People who "worry their prayers" are like wind-whipped waves. Don't think you're going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.”





~James 1:1-8 The Message







I felt the Lord’s nudging, another word stirred in my heart…




“6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, *with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”





~Philippians 4:6



So in the moment of panic, we have a choice? The focus of our prayer matters?



We can respond with a frantic plea, simply hitting the panic button; hoping God will come through, yet not certain, leaving an open invitation to the seed of doubt.



But God calls us to a different type of prayer, one with power. Though we tread water and are quickly sinking, this type of prayer is like a driving force shooting us up and out of the fear that is trying to overtake us. It is when we give God thanks and acknowledge him in the moment that the power is released into our lives, the water recedes.


I remember his words to me explaining that nothing is wasted, no detail great or small. Even this moment has purpose…


This transferring of understanding settled into my soul. It took hold.


THIS is how to LIVE Christ.



I rolled over inhaling deeply. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.


“Lord, thank you that you indeed are with me. Thank you that you are my refuge and my strong tower. Thank you. Thank you, Lord that I am safe in you.”


A simple prayer of faith directed solely at magnifying him, eyes off self.


No blinding quasar of light filled the room, no choir of angels; just stillness, a turning point, a renewing of the mind. I could sense the darkness slinking back, retreating.


Inhale. Exhale. My breathing began to deepen; my eyes grew heavy once again.


It was the Lord who taught the lesson; my heart’s beating leaped and then slowed at this new awareness. We always have a choice. We always have a choice, whom will we believe, whom will we magnify?

It is He who holds us in his right hand; he who lifts us out of the waters deep.

And like a father leads his child, he is leading each of us. And though I don’t know where I am going, I find safety in knowing that he does. Panic will try to visit again, this I am certain. Yet in the prayer of faith, we find his cloak of protection surrounding us. The word says he goes before us and he goes behind us, he hems us in. He himself is our shelter, nothing or no one can penetrate unless he allows it. And should it be so, it is still good; for he is goodness and his purpose is ALWAYS good.
Knowing that and acknowledging that is living faith, is living Christ.

Ephesians 1:11-12
New International Version (NIV)
11 In him we were also chosen,[a] having been predestined according to the plan of him *who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, 12 in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, *might be for the praise of his glory.

*Italics mine

A Holocaust Survivors Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jj-RJ4k9c04

The List

                                                               

I stood staring out the back door, taking in the landscape of the fresh new day; autumn giving way to its full revelation. The crispness in the air was overcome by the spray of color surrounding our home. Coffee’s aroma offered its gift, a new sense of awakening, not only for my sleepy eyes but also for my spirit.

Wasn’t it just the day before that I nearly tore off my husband’s head over something trivial; so trivial that I could no longer recall what had started it? I was grateful to welcome a new day and another chance for redemption with my family. The cat rubbed his back against my legs, his love so loyal.

As if on cue, several flock of geese began their formations overhead. I never seem to grow tired of watching their simplicity and mysterious efforts to form a perfect ‘V.'   The mystery that was before my eyes was no different than many mornings and yet somehow I felt an epiphany, as if witnessing it for the first time. I wanted to capture this moment and hold it tight. My eyes shifted to two squirrels gathering their walnuts; I never noticed how busy they were this time of year. Come winter they will live the life of a pirate, in search of the hidden cache. But for now it was a joyful game of gathering their bounty.

My mind began to wander. I searched through the files of my life and found that moments such as these were far too few. The times I experienced life afresh, new- giving life to a simple peace and an inner joy.  It seemed interesting to me that those in my life that I am often drawn to are much like those squirrels, free spirited, joyful souls.  I longed to be so free, to live in that place of laughter, to see life differently, knowing the bad but seeing the good. Surely, they lived life through the eyes of epiphany. How do I live like that?

Lord, why am I not living freer? 

I blew away the steam and took a sip, gazing more intently out the window, hoping to receive another gift.

‘It’s the list you keep.’

Another gift- but not in sight, rather in heart, his words resonated in my soul.

‘It’s the list you keep.’

I began to ponder that statement. Yes, I did keep a list. Though I never realized it before, I had been keeping a record of all the ‘wrongs’ in the world around me.   I suddenly realized I saw everything through the veil of ‘imperfection,’ from the unpainted walls to the unwelcomed weeds, to the extra flesh on my thighs. I was keeping an ever growing list; a list that weighed me down and took away my vision.

I felt a knot form in my stomach. It was quite the contrast from the warmth I had just experienced only moments before. Yes, the contrast of the beauty I had just witnessed and the weight of the list seemed to be polar opposite. The darkness of the list began to overshadow the joy; it was a shadow that I’d grown to know far too well.

Why do I keep the list Lord? I don’t want the list.

‘You keep a list for protection, but it is an illusion.’

As if a wound was suddenly opened and an infection exposed, I smelled the gangrene.   Unknowingly my whole life I had lived to protect.  Somehow I came to believe that if I was hard on myself, then it would be much easier to handle it when others were cruel. This lie hid deep below the surface under a mask of illusion. I clutched the cup close to my heart as if hoping the warmth would extinguish the pain.

Lord, I do carry a list, forgive me, I just want to be on top of things.

‘Do you?’

I thought I did.  Do others see the flaws that I see, Lord?  Do they see the tattered rug, the unkempt counter top, or the waded socks strung across the floor? Don’t they cast blame and judgment?

‘Tell me does it really matter?’

My head dropped; I knew what he was asking.  Why did it matter what people thought? After all, isn’t it God I am to live for?

Okay, Lord more importantly, what do you see?

‘In you I see all that is good. I see as you just saw.’ I see the redeemed.'  His words penetrate deep.

Of course you do Lord!

I remembered the words of Philippians 4:8-9; “Finally Brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Lord, you are love and you are goodness. Not only are you good but you are all that is good, goodness personified. You think on such things, because you are such things. The beauty I see around me shows your touch.  Yes, you are Holy, and you are just, and yet you are able to look through the eyes of love, the eyes of the cross.

I recognized that it is the accuser who looks through the eyes of blame and finds fault. It is the accuser who keeps the record of wrongs and uses them against me, not the Lord. His word says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Yet, I have stepped on the witness stand always living to defend myself. All the while God says I am vindicated. Whom have I believed?

"Now you are beginning to see, but there is more…

It is through the eyes of love that I have had mercy on you. It is through my perfect love that I gave my life for you, even knowing all the ‘wrongs’ of your life. It is good to love, for I AM Love. In order for you love yourself, you must see as I see; through the eyes of mercy and grace. For you to see as I see, you must align your eyes with mine. Come to me with eyes wide open and with great expectations. For the gifts of God surround you, everything is a present, everything.

No longer look through the wall of fear, for I am sovereign. I know your story and you can rest knowing that no detail, good or bad goes to waste. Even in the smallest detail there is hope. Even in the pain there is beauty. Your future is secure in me.

The enemy screams to you, 'Look at all that is wrong around you. You’ll never experience joy and satisfaction as long as there is imperfection.'  He stands accusing, but I stand forgiving. He stands to destroy and take away your faith, but I stand to create; to give life to the dead. To give hope to the hopeless.

I say, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Stay in me and you will see more clearly. The beauty is all around you, always there for you; but you must open your eyes; put looking into practice and you will find joy.’

How do I stay in you?

"First you must look up. When you fixate on the problem you cannot see me. Your eyes are zoned in and unable to see the miracles I have already placed at your feet. I am able to take care of those problems much better when you release your gaze from them. Take hold of me instead. When you look at me and recognize me I am able to change your vision, your perception; you’ll be surprised at how clearly you’ll be able to see."

I looked down at the cup in my hand, and subconsciously noticed it was half empty.

‘Begin now. Begin with the cup; it is half full, not empty.’  A smile tugged at my face.

 'The cup you hold in life, I have given, all of it, and it is full- complete.'

Before I could grasp it fully, he went on.

 'You must also know that what you believe has much to do with what your mind will gravitate toward. What you gravitate toward, you will indeed find.  Gravitate toward me and my promises. Know that believing in your heart things such as your family members are sloppy will cause you to see just that. The messes will jump out at you. For the accuser is always looking for a way to steal your joy. See your family as I see them, through grace and love, and your list will begin to grow smaller. Fixate on me and the enemy will flee.  Give me your worries and your fears by choosing to see differently; in doing so you worship me. In worshipping me  you come into my presence; and in my presence you will find joy.’

 I glanced out the window again; my shoulders lighter, the knot disappeared. 

‘Life is not a puzzle to be figured out or problem to be solved. It is truly a journey to be delighted in; even the weeds of life have purpose. Recognize them as beauty.'

I headed to the counter and filled my cup. A smile curled my cheeks as my mind headed to the words in scripture… ‘You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.’ Psalm 23:5-6

Yes, my cup does overflow, even when it appears half empty. The list I have carried for so long is growing smaller moment by moment as I am learning to see more clearly, that everything good and bad is a gift. And as such my future is secure in Him.

Life is messy

                                                                          






The noise had become so loud I barely could hear the flutter. Life is noisy, full of messes and for a marble chaser, it is deafening.


There it was again, a breeze in the distance. I could hear it off beyond the score of colored glass, a call of a lover. The marbles continued to roll; did I dare slow down and listen? There, again, something catches my ear. I stop.



For a moment I pause, head cocked, hoping to capture it. Instead, thunderous waves crash against me, the roll of each marble calling my name. They beckon me, each one, to a call for duty.






I must contain them, hold them, protect them; in doing so life will indeed be right. Isn't that the goal, after all, the resolution for life's difficulties? Life is messy, keeping it clean; tidiness, isn't that the path to contentment?

I hear another's voice, this one different, crass, bold, yet afraid. Barely audible,



YESS, perfection, the resolution for all life's difficulties.



NO! Over the whisper, the flutter is now an echo, I hear it stronger, firmer.



Stop. Chasing. Marbles.



I know that voice, I've heard it's stirring before, always a gentleman, always that of a lover.



I call back.



Then give me a bag with NO HOLES so I can stop!



There is no response, no sudden miracle of a larger sturdier bag in my hands, only this thread barren hole of a rag. Knuckles bleed, heart hurts.





It's not fair, why am I the ONE always chasing marbles? Why am I the one who sees the imperfections and takes responsibility to correct them? IT'S NOT FAIR GOD! It's not fair.





Oh Martha... How I long for Mary again.




Silence deafening.



Another marble, large iridescent, the race once again begins. Yes, life is messy.








The turn of another page on the calendar finds me sitting in prayer, feet up, aching; heart heavy, the ticking of a clock, fading photos and the recognition of sand slipping between the fingers of time.



Lord, I do want to stop chasing marbles, but it seems I am forever running, forever chasing, forever carrying. I'm trying to keep it all together; no one else seems to care...



A breathy whisper, a song riding on the wind... I care.








How? How do I let go? How do I stop? If I don't do it, no one else will...







The voice of the marble roller intercepts.









Yessss, life will fall apart...you cannot stop.





Wait. STOP. The gentleman, he cares? His voice, soft, it caresses and I pursue it.










Give them to me, my child. They are not yours to carry, they never have been. I have always had a wonderful plan for you, a plan to give you hope and not to harm you. But your hands are so full and your heart is too heavy. Your knuckles bleed. You must let go so that you can receive.





Trust me.





I remember the first penny and his whisper, "In God you CAN trust" my first God kiss.







His hand reaches, but I grasp tighter; longing to let go, but fearful; ashamed of my weakness, my lack of faith, and my lack of trust. The question for all time, "Can God surely be trusted with our marbles?"



You hunger and you thirst, but not for things of this world.

They will never satisfy your cravings for MORE.







Lord, I have had faith and I have searched for you, honest I have. I have spoken of your love to others. How is it then that I can still thirst so deeply?







Ah, but you searched for more than just me; though the MORE you desire can only be found IN me. The longings of your soul, the longing for satisfaction and true love and acceptance will never be fulfilled in this world. For you are not of this world, you are mine. I love you like you can never imagine, you do not belong to the one of this world. I made you to crave for MORE. I created the longing in your soul, not that you would chase marbles, but that you would chase me! For life is full of holes, please understand there is no perfect bag in this world of imperfection. I AM THE ONE who holds it all together; if you desire perfection, look no further than my love for you. Give me your worries, my child, your fears, your longings, and even your dreams. And I will exchange them for something far more than you can ever imagine. But you must trust me, can you trust me?






I glance at the jar of pennies on the shelves. Pennies I have found over time; reminders from him to simply trust him. Can I truly trust?










A marble rolls towards my chair. I reach for it, and stop. I know this one. I see the beauty that has captured me so many times in the past, so many sand grains of a lifetime wasted reaching for this one. The quasar of colors washes into dull. Blues becomes gray, and inside I see the emptiness. This marble, this marble I have chased, carried, and nurtured is now hollow, dark, and inside hideous. I turn my head,







Oh Lord, its ugly...




That is the condition of a heart longing for that which cannot satisfy. A heart exposed. That is what marble chasing leaves behind. Life is messy; I never promised a perfect life. Fulfillment does not come in creating perfection, rather learning to live life fully in spite of imperfection, in spite of messiness. It is possible to live, to love, and to laugh even when life is not as you expected it to be. But you cannot find the way to that place on your own, it is by Grace.

You have scampered from my love your whole life. Yes, you have loved me, and you have shared my love with others. Yet, I am jealous because you have also sought acceptance through the prescriptions of this world. And that has turned your dancing to frantic running- to chasing after that which leaves you empty, just like that marble. I want us to dance again to share in the wonder of greater things.



I have been waiting to show you how empty it all is, my child. The eyes you have seen through are the not the eyes that I have given your heart. There is another who has distracted you with eyes of this world. Won't you look with eyes wide open and see what lies before you. With me you are free to dance. Simply allow me to move into your situation. I already have it all figured out.





But Lord, the things that I have chased are only what most everyone has chased. Yet, I am tired of running, for no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed to be in vain. I can no longer keep it all together. Others seem to do it, why can't I?





Unless the Lord builds a house, the builder labors in vain. I have not created you to be a marble chaser... nor have I created you to carry such burdens.



Then what, Lord? I have chased marbles my whole life. I have been faithful to that call of duty. It's all I have known to do. Has my life been wasted? How do I give it all to you now? And if I do, what exactly am I supposed to do, if not chase marbles, if not to wear this mask?








Remove that mask and simply ‘Be’ my child. I have given you an assignment, but first you must learn to Abide in the rest I offer and I will show you the way. Draw into me, for I am your strong tower, your hiding place. And in me you have everything you need, for in me you are whole. Seek me first and all the rest will fall into place.



How do I find that hiding place?



Focus first on my goodness child, for I am goodness. I am love and I am holiness. Worship me and I will draw close to you. In that moment I will open my arms to you. Simply rest my child, rest in the peace I offer. Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. For I am the God of hope and I long to fill you with all joy and peace, as you trust in me, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of my Spirit. Trust in me, for I can be trusted.





A page turns back in time to when I was a young mother and the stencil over my the kitchen door, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart,” my favorite verse… “and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will make your paths straight.”



Trust, a pendulum in circumstances, and the very question for all to ask with the ticking of the clock: “Can God be trusted in this moment?” Can he?





It’s actually up to us, for the answer never changes, He can always be trusted. It is only our reaction to him that seems to be ever changing… faith will always answer 'yes,' and fear always answers 'no.' In a life full of messes there is perfection, and it is simply found in one word... Yes.



Yes, he can be trusted...


“For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and IN HIM all things are held together.” Colossians 1:16-17



"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7 &8 a



"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I WILL SAY of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1 &2