The List

                                                               

I stood staring out the back door, taking in the landscape of the fresh new day; autumn giving way to its full revelation. The crispness in the air was overcome by the spray of color surrounding our home. Coffee’s aroma offered its gift, a new sense of awakening, not only for my sleepy eyes but also for my spirit.

Wasn’t it just the day before that I nearly tore off my husband’s head over something trivial; so trivial that I could no longer recall what had started it? I was grateful to welcome a new day and another chance for redemption with my family. The cat rubbed his back against my legs, his love so loyal.

As if on cue, several flock of geese began their formations overhead. I never seem to grow tired of watching their simplicity and mysterious efforts to form a perfect ‘V.'   The mystery that was before my eyes was no different than many mornings and yet somehow I felt an epiphany, as if witnessing it for the first time. I wanted to capture this moment and hold it tight. My eyes shifted to two squirrels gathering their walnuts; I never noticed how busy they were this time of year. Come winter they will live the life of a pirate, in search of the hidden cache. But for now it was a joyful game of gathering their bounty.

My mind began to wander. I searched through the files of my life and found that moments such as these were far too few. The times I experienced life afresh, new- giving life to a simple peace and an inner joy.  It seemed interesting to me that those in my life that I am often drawn to are much like those squirrels, free spirited, joyful souls.  I longed to be so free, to live in that place of laughter, to see life differently, knowing the bad but seeing the good. Surely, they lived life through the eyes of epiphany. How do I live like that?

Lord, why am I not living freer? 

I blew away the steam and took a sip, gazing more intently out the window, hoping to receive another gift.

‘It’s the list you keep.’

Another gift- but not in sight, rather in heart, his words resonated in my soul.

‘It’s the list you keep.’

I began to ponder that statement. Yes, I did keep a list. Though I never realized it before, I had been keeping a record of all the ‘wrongs’ in the world around me.   I suddenly realized I saw everything through the veil of ‘imperfection,’ from the unpainted walls to the unwelcomed weeds, to the extra flesh on my thighs. I was keeping an ever growing list; a list that weighed me down and took away my vision.

I felt a knot form in my stomach. It was quite the contrast from the warmth I had just experienced only moments before. Yes, the contrast of the beauty I had just witnessed and the weight of the list seemed to be polar opposite. The darkness of the list began to overshadow the joy; it was a shadow that I’d grown to know far too well.

Why do I keep the list Lord? I don’t want the list.

‘You keep a list for protection, but it is an illusion.’

As if a wound was suddenly opened and an infection exposed, I smelled the gangrene.   Unknowingly my whole life I had lived to protect.  Somehow I came to believe that if I was hard on myself, then it would be much easier to handle it when others were cruel. This lie hid deep below the surface under a mask of illusion. I clutched the cup close to my heart as if hoping the warmth would extinguish the pain.

Lord, I do carry a list, forgive me, I just want to be on top of things.

‘Do you?’

I thought I did.  Do others see the flaws that I see, Lord?  Do they see the tattered rug, the unkempt counter top, or the waded socks strung across the floor? Don’t they cast blame and judgment?

‘Tell me does it really matter?’

My head dropped; I knew what he was asking.  Why did it matter what people thought? After all, isn’t it God I am to live for?

Okay, Lord more importantly, what do you see?

‘In you I see all that is good. I see as you just saw.’ I see the redeemed.'  His words penetrate deep.

Of course you do Lord!

I remembered the words of Philippians 4:8-9; “Finally Brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me-put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

Lord, you are love and you are goodness. Not only are you good but you are all that is good, goodness personified. You think on such things, because you are such things. The beauty I see around me shows your touch.  Yes, you are Holy, and you are just, and yet you are able to look through the eyes of love, the eyes of the cross.

I recognized that it is the accuser who looks through the eyes of blame and finds fault. It is the accuser who keeps the record of wrongs and uses them against me, not the Lord. His word says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Yet, I have stepped on the witness stand always living to defend myself. All the while God says I am vindicated. Whom have I believed?

"Now you are beginning to see, but there is more…

It is through the eyes of love that I have had mercy on you. It is through my perfect love that I gave my life for you, even knowing all the ‘wrongs’ of your life. It is good to love, for I AM Love. In order for you love yourself, you must see as I see; through the eyes of mercy and grace. For you to see as I see, you must align your eyes with mine. Come to me with eyes wide open and with great expectations. For the gifts of God surround you, everything is a present, everything.

No longer look through the wall of fear, for I am sovereign. I know your story and you can rest knowing that no detail, good or bad goes to waste. Even in the smallest detail there is hope. Even in the pain there is beauty. Your future is secure in me.

The enemy screams to you, 'Look at all that is wrong around you. You’ll never experience joy and satisfaction as long as there is imperfection.'  He stands accusing, but I stand forgiving. He stands to destroy and take away your faith, but I stand to create; to give life to the dead. To give hope to the hopeless.

I say, there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Stay in me and you will see more clearly. The beauty is all around you, always there for you; but you must open your eyes; put looking into practice and you will find joy.’

How do I stay in you?

"First you must look up. When you fixate on the problem you cannot see me. Your eyes are zoned in and unable to see the miracles I have already placed at your feet. I am able to take care of those problems much better when you release your gaze from them. Take hold of me instead. When you look at me and recognize me I am able to change your vision, your perception; you’ll be surprised at how clearly you’ll be able to see."

I looked down at the cup in my hand, and subconsciously noticed it was half empty.

‘Begin now. Begin with the cup; it is half full, not empty.’  A smile tugged at my face.

 'The cup you hold in life, I have given, all of it, and it is full- complete.'

Before I could grasp it fully, he went on.

 'You must also know that what you believe has much to do with what your mind will gravitate toward. What you gravitate toward, you will indeed find.  Gravitate toward me and my promises. Know that believing in your heart things such as your family members are sloppy will cause you to see just that. The messes will jump out at you. For the accuser is always looking for a way to steal your joy. See your family as I see them, through grace and love, and your list will begin to grow smaller. Fixate on me and the enemy will flee.  Give me your worries and your fears by choosing to see differently; in doing so you worship me. In worshipping me  you come into my presence; and in my presence you will find joy.’

 I glanced out the window again; my shoulders lighter, the knot disappeared. 

‘Life is not a puzzle to be figured out or problem to be solved. It is truly a journey to be delighted in; even the weeds of life have purpose. Recognize them as beauty.'

I headed to the counter and filled my cup. A smile curled my cheeks as my mind headed to the words in scripture… ‘You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.’ Psalm 23:5-6

Yes, my cup does overflow, even when it appears half empty. The list I have carried for so long is growing smaller moment by moment as I am learning to see more clearly, that everything good and bad is a gift. And as such my future is secure in Him.