Life is messy

                                                                          






The noise had become so loud I barely could hear the flutter. Life is noisy, full of messes and for a marble chaser, it is deafening.


There it was again, a breeze in the distance. I could hear it off beyond the score of colored glass, a call of a lover. The marbles continued to roll; did I dare slow down and listen? There, again, something catches my ear. I stop.



For a moment I pause, head cocked, hoping to capture it. Instead, thunderous waves crash against me, the roll of each marble calling my name. They beckon me, each one, to a call for duty.






I must contain them, hold them, protect them; in doing so life will indeed be right. Isn't that the goal, after all, the resolution for life's difficulties? Life is messy, keeping it clean; tidiness, isn't that the path to contentment?

I hear another's voice, this one different, crass, bold, yet afraid. Barely audible,



YESS, perfection, the resolution for all life's difficulties.



NO! Over the whisper, the flutter is now an echo, I hear it stronger, firmer.



Stop. Chasing. Marbles.



I know that voice, I've heard it's stirring before, always a gentleman, always that of a lover.



I call back.



Then give me a bag with NO HOLES so I can stop!



There is no response, no sudden miracle of a larger sturdier bag in my hands, only this thread barren hole of a rag. Knuckles bleed, heart hurts.





It's not fair, why am I the ONE always chasing marbles? Why am I the one who sees the imperfections and takes responsibility to correct them? IT'S NOT FAIR GOD! It's not fair.





Oh Martha... How I long for Mary again.




Silence deafening.



Another marble, large iridescent, the race once again begins. Yes, life is messy.








The turn of another page on the calendar finds me sitting in prayer, feet up, aching; heart heavy, the ticking of a clock, fading photos and the recognition of sand slipping between the fingers of time.



Lord, I do want to stop chasing marbles, but it seems I am forever running, forever chasing, forever carrying. I'm trying to keep it all together; no one else seems to care...



A breathy whisper, a song riding on the wind... I care.








How? How do I let go? How do I stop? If I don't do it, no one else will...







The voice of the marble roller intercepts.









Yessss, life will fall apart...you cannot stop.





Wait. STOP. The gentleman, he cares? His voice, soft, it caresses and I pursue it.










Give them to me, my child. They are not yours to carry, they never have been. I have always had a wonderful plan for you, a plan to give you hope and not to harm you. But your hands are so full and your heart is too heavy. Your knuckles bleed. You must let go so that you can receive.





Trust me.





I remember the first penny and his whisper, "In God you CAN trust" my first God kiss.







His hand reaches, but I grasp tighter; longing to let go, but fearful; ashamed of my weakness, my lack of faith, and my lack of trust. The question for all time, "Can God surely be trusted with our marbles?"



You hunger and you thirst, but not for things of this world.

They will never satisfy your cravings for MORE.







Lord, I have had faith and I have searched for you, honest I have. I have spoken of your love to others. How is it then that I can still thirst so deeply?







Ah, but you searched for more than just me; though the MORE you desire can only be found IN me. The longings of your soul, the longing for satisfaction and true love and acceptance will never be fulfilled in this world. For you are not of this world, you are mine. I love you like you can never imagine, you do not belong to the one of this world. I made you to crave for MORE. I created the longing in your soul, not that you would chase marbles, but that you would chase me! For life is full of holes, please understand there is no perfect bag in this world of imperfection. I AM THE ONE who holds it all together; if you desire perfection, look no further than my love for you. Give me your worries, my child, your fears, your longings, and even your dreams. And I will exchange them for something far more than you can ever imagine. But you must trust me, can you trust me?






I glance at the jar of pennies on the shelves. Pennies I have found over time; reminders from him to simply trust him. Can I truly trust?










A marble rolls towards my chair. I reach for it, and stop. I know this one. I see the beauty that has captured me so many times in the past, so many sand grains of a lifetime wasted reaching for this one. The quasar of colors washes into dull. Blues becomes gray, and inside I see the emptiness. This marble, this marble I have chased, carried, and nurtured is now hollow, dark, and inside hideous. I turn my head,







Oh Lord, its ugly...




That is the condition of a heart longing for that which cannot satisfy. A heart exposed. That is what marble chasing leaves behind. Life is messy; I never promised a perfect life. Fulfillment does not come in creating perfection, rather learning to live life fully in spite of imperfection, in spite of messiness. It is possible to live, to love, and to laugh even when life is not as you expected it to be. But you cannot find the way to that place on your own, it is by Grace.

You have scampered from my love your whole life. Yes, you have loved me, and you have shared my love with others. Yet, I am jealous because you have also sought acceptance through the prescriptions of this world. And that has turned your dancing to frantic running- to chasing after that which leaves you empty, just like that marble. I want us to dance again to share in the wonder of greater things.



I have been waiting to show you how empty it all is, my child. The eyes you have seen through are the not the eyes that I have given your heart. There is another who has distracted you with eyes of this world. Won't you look with eyes wide open and see what lies before you. With me you are free to dance. Simply allow me to move into your situation. I already have it all figured out.





But Lord, the things that I have chased are only what most everyone has chased. Yet, I am tired of running, for no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed to be in vain. I can no longer keep it all together. Others seem to do it, why can't I?





Unless the Lord builds a house, the builder labors in vain. I have not created you to be a marble chaser... nor have I created you to carry such burdens.



Then what, Lord? I have chased marbles my whole life. I have been faithful to that call of duty. It's all I have known to do. Has my life been wasted? How do I give it all to you now? And if I do, what exactly am I supposed to do, if not chase marbles, if not to wear this mask?








Remove that mask and simply ‘Be’ my child. I have given you an assignment, but first you must learn to Abide in the rest I offer and I will show you the way. Draw into me, for I am your strong tower, your hiding place. And in me you have everything you need, for in me you are whole. Seek me first and all the rest will fall into place.



How do I find that hiding place?



Focus first on my goodness child, for I am goodness. I am love and I am holiness. Worship me and I will draw close to you. In that moment I will open my arms to you. Simply rest my child, rest in the peace I offer. Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. For I am the God of hope and I long to fill you with all joy and peace, as you trust in me, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of my Spirit. Trust in me, for I can be trusted.





A page turns back in time to when I was a young mother and the stencil over my the kitchen door, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart,” my favorite verse… “and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will make your paths straight.”



Trust, a pendulum in circumstances, and the very question for all to ask with the ticking of the clock: “Can God be trusted in this moment?” Can he?





It’s actually up to us, for the answer never changes, He can always be trusted. It is only our reaction to him that seems to be ever changing… faith will always answer 'yes,' and fear always answers 'no.' In a life full of messes there is perfection, and it is simply found in one word... Yes.



Yes, he can be trusted...


“For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and IN HIM all things are held together.” Colossians 1:16-17



"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7 &8 a



"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I WILL SAY of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1 &2