Life is messy

                                                                          






The noise had become so loud I barely could hear the flutter. Life is noisy, full of messes and for a marble chaser, it is deafening.


There it was again, a breeze in the distance. I could hear it off beyond the score of colored glass, a call of a lover. The marbles continued to roll; did I dare slow down and listen? There, again, something catches my ear. I stop.



For a moment I pause, head cocked, hoping to capture it. Instead, thunderous waves crash against me, the roll of each marble calling my name. They beckon me, each one, to a call for duty.






I must contain them, hold them, protect them; in doing so life will indeed be right. Isn't that the goal, after all, the resolution for life's difficulties? Life is messy, keeping it clean; tidiness, isn't that the path to contentment?

I hear another's voice, this one different, crass, bold, yet afraid. Barely audible,



YESS, perfection, the resolution for all life's difficulties.



NO! Over the whisper, the flutter is now an echo, I hear it stronger, firmer.



Stop. Chasing. Marbles.



I know that voice, I've heard it's stirring before, always a gentleman, always that of a lover.



I call back.



Then give me a bag with NO HOLES so I can stop!



There is no response, no sudden miracle of a larger sturdier bag in my hands, only this thread barren hole of a rag. Knuckles bleed, heart hurts.





It's not fair, why am I the ONE always chasing marbles? Why am I the one who sees the imperfections and takes responsibility to correct them? IT'S NOT FAIR GOD! It's not fair.





Oh Martha... How I long for Mary again.




Silence deafening.



Another marble, large iridescent, the race once again begins. Yes, life is messy.








The turn of another page on the calendar finds me sitting in prayer, feet up, aching; heart heavy, the ticking of a clock, fading photos and the recognition of sand slipping between the fingers of time.



Lord, I do want to stop chasing marbles, but it seems I am forever running, forever chasing, forever carrying. I'm trying to keep it all together; no one else seems to care...



A breathy whisper, a song riding on the wind... I care.








How? How do I let go? How do I stop? If I don't do it, no one else will...







The voice of the marble roller intercepts.









Yessss, life will fall apart...you cannot stop.





Wait. STOP. The gentleman, he cares? His voice, soft, it caresses and I pursue it.










Give them to me, my child. They are not yours to carry, they never have been. I have always had a wonderful plan for you, a plan to give you hope and not to harm you. But your hands are so full and your heart is too heavy. Your knuckles bleed. You must let go so that you can receive.





Trust me.





I remember the first penny and his whisper, "In God you CAN trust" my first God kiss.







His hand reaches, but I grasp tighter; longing to let go, but fearful; ashamed of my weakness, my lack of faith, and my lack of trust. The question for all time, "Can God surely be trusted with our marbles?"



You hunger and you thirst, but not for things of this world.

They will never satisfy your cravings for MORE.







Lord, I have had faith and I have searched for you, honest I have. I have spoken of your love to others. How is it then that I can still thirst so deeply?







Ah, but you searched for more than just me; though the MORE you desire can only be found IN me. The longings of your soul, the longing for satisfaction and true love and acceptance will never be fulfilled in this world. For you are not of this world, you are mine. I love you like you can never imagine, you do not belong to the one of this world. I made you to crave for MORE. I created the longing in your soul, not that you would chase marbles, but that you would chase me! For life is full of holes, please understand there is no perfect bag in this world of imperfection. I AM THE ONE who holds it all together; if you desire perfection, look no further than my love for you. Give me your worries, my child, your fears, your longings, and even your dreams. And I will exchange them for something far more than you can ever imagine. But you must trust me, can you trust me?






I glance at the jar of pennies on the shelves. Pennies I have found over time; reminders from him to simply trust him. Can I truly trust?










A marble rolls towards my chair. I reach for it, and stop. I know this one. I see the beauty that has captured me so many times in the past, so many sand grains of a lifetime wasted reaching for this one. The quasar of colors washes into dull. Blues becomes gray, and inside I see the emptiness. This marble, this marble I have chased, carried, and nurtured is now hollow, dark, and inside hideous. I turn my head,







Oh Lord, its ugly...




That is the condition of a heart longing for that which cannot satisfy. A heart exposed. That is what marble chasing leaves behind. Life is messy; I never promised a perfect life. Fulfillment does not come in creating perfection, rather learning to live life fully in spite of imperfection, in spite of messiness. It is possible to live, to love, and to laugh even when life is not as you expected it to be. But you cannot find the way to that place on your own, it is by Grace.

You have scampered from my love your whole life. Yes, you have loved me, and you have shared my love with others. Yet, I am jealous because you have also sought acceptance through the prescriptions of this world. And that has turned your dancing to frantic running- to chasing after that which leaves you empty, just like that marble. I want us to dance again to share in the wonder of greater things.



I have been waiting to show you how empty it all is, my child. The eyes you have seen through are the not the eyes that I have given your heart. There is another who has distracted you with eyes of this world. Won't you look with eyes wide open and see what lies before you. With me you are free to dance. Simply allow me to move into your situation. I already have it all figured out.





But Lord, the things that I have chased are only what most everyone has chased. Yet, I am tired of running, for no matter how hard I tried, it always seemed to be in vain. I can no longer keep it all together. Others seem to do it, why can't I?





Unless the Lord builds a house, the builder labors in vain. I have not created you to be a marble chaser... nor have I created you to carry such burdens.



Then what, Lord? I have chased marbles my whole life. I have been faithful to that call of duty. It's all I have known to do. Has my life been wasted? How do I give it all to you now? And if I do, what exactly am I supposed to do, if not chase marbles, if not to wear this mask?








Remove that mask and simply ‘Be’ my child. I have given you an assignment, but first you must learn to Abide in the rest I offer and I will show you the way. Draw into me, for I am your strong tower, your hiding place. And in me you have everything you need, for in me you are whole. Seek me first and all the rest will fall into place.



How do I find that hiding place?



Focus first on my goodness child, for I am goodness. I am love and I am holiness. Worship me and I will draw close to you. In that moment I will open my arms to you. Simply rest my child, rest in the peace I offer. Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. For I am the God of hope and I long to fill you with all joy and peace, as you trust in me, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of my Spirit. Trust in me, for I can be trusted.





A page turns back in time to when I was a young mother and the stencil over my the kitchen door, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart,” my favorite verse… “and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge him in all your ways, and he will make your paths straight.”



Trust, a pendulum in circumstances, and the very question for all to ask with the ticking of the clock: “Can God be trusted in this moment?” Can he?





It’s actually up to us, for the answer never changes, He can always be trusted. It is only our reaction to him that seems to be ever changing… faith will always answer 'yes,' and fear always answers 'no.' In a life full of messes there is perfection, and it is simply found in one word... Yes.



Yes, he can be trusted...


“For by him all things were created; things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and IN HIM all things are held together.” Colossians 1:16-17



"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Submit yourselves then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you." James 4:7 &8 a



"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. I WILL SAY of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust." Psalm 91:1 &2

MORE

With the New Year upon us, many begin their ritual of making resolutions hoping to touch on improving some aspect of their life; January, the place for new beginnings. Why January and not some other month on the calendar? What is it that makes us feel a need for a new beginning? Is it the failures from the year prior, a hunger for victory over our failures once and for all? Is it an extension of the search of the human heart, a hope to fill a longing for MORE; a grasp for that which can bring satisfaction? Can the search for happiness be truly found wearing size 4 jeans?

The grass is always greener...

Each January 1st I try NOT to make a resolution, I know myself far too well and the thought of failure doesn't appeal to me. However, this year I see many areas in my life that need tending. Perhaps it is the 50th Birthday that will be awaiting me come fall; the fleeting of life that has me looking hard. So I think to myself, Lord, where do I begin? What needs tending first?


Deep inside there is an uneasiness, a stirring, a familiar restlessness. I vaguely recognize this masked emotion, and dread it's revealing. I've felt it before. It sits in waiting; to be recognized, to be tended to, this garden of weeds. Yes, the thistles have grown tall overnight it seems. What I think of as overnight has actually been a lifetime. I have tended to it before, but thistles have a way of popping up from the tiniest of seeds, conquer one and another grows. It's the condition of the human heart.






What is this place, this cavern full of thistles that has been calling me by name? I search the recesses of my memory and think back to its last few visits. Each time it's appears it whispers something, but what? I listen, I search. Each visit it stirs something within. Each visit it brings a "gift." Yes, I remember now, it brings a new marble.

I hear its seducing voice now:

"What do you want? What do you want? What do you want?"


I don't know. I don't know...

Why is it so important to know what I want?

Is it because there must be MORE? Of course I am blessed. Of course my husband loves me and we have a wonderful family. Of course...



"What do you want?"


I don't know, there's so much out there. I don't know.


"You want..."


A marble rolls by, shiny, a perfect circle in an imperfect world. Peripherally my eyes capture the talon that tosses; I dismiss it for the alluring marble.



The last brush of the wind stirs the thistles, and from the distance I hear "Find what you want, and you will have MORE."


How many visits has brought that question,? What do you want? How many marbles have I chased?



We all chase marbles.

The desire for MORE, it is indeed real. Did not the blind man long to see? Why are mountains conquered, and oceans explored? Why do athletes push themselves beyond their limits, if not to experience life to the fullest? The world calls us by name and says there is MORE; it calls our children, dressed up in a friendly red suit and asks, “What do you want?” Is it any wonder January is a time of “new beginnings, do overs, try again-s?”


Didn't the devil, Satan, offer the world to Jesus if he would merely bow down to him? Of course there is a desire for MORE, even Jesus in his humanness experienced Satan's temptation to fulfill it. In the human heart lies a treasure, a treasure longing to be opened. Only one holds the key.


There it is again. “What do I want?”


I do not know! But I do know I want MORE. I shift in my seat. What is it that my heart longs for? I've chased many marbles and they do not lead me to fulfillment. They do not fill the treasure chest of my soul. My eyes only dart down and my feet chase, but my heart still longs.

I want...


I want to be free of fear. I want to be free to walk through the open doors placed before me without fear; without turning tail and running. I want to live life fully awake. I want to breathe deeply, taking in all of life's aromas. I want to experience more, worry less, and laugh harder. I want to push myself beyond my limits and whine less. I want to love deeper and dance more. I want to sing louder and sleep less. I want to climb higher and run more. I want to play more and work less. I want to see the mysteries around me. I want to unlock the treasure chest and see what lies inside; I want to once again experience the magic of seeing life through the eyes of a child. I want MORE of Life, MORE of God, MORE of his Power. I want MORE


I've said it. Is not the longing for it enough?



Does speaking it truly make a difference?


Can denying its existence quench its thirst? Or will the visitor return to point out the evidence, bringing a new marble?


Can we have MORE?


Jesus was leaving Jericho. A large crowd followed him. Two blind men were sitting by the road. When they heard Jesus was passing by they cried out for him to have mercy on them. The crowd tried to quiet them, but Jesus stopped and called to them asking them what it was they wanted.


What do you want?


Their response was simple. They wanted to see.


Why would Jesus ask them what they wanted?


Surely he knew they were blind. Could it be that deep down inside they too had a garden of weeds? Could it be that in the deep recesses of their hearts they had fear and doubt? Could it be that as awful as it was to be blind, it was all they knew and it was comfortable?

Pain can be comfortable.

It can be safe, even though it can be complete darkness. Could it be that Jesus wanted them to take a step of faith, to voice their choice? Could it be that Jesus ALSO asks us what we want so we too will have to take a stand, to own a decision; to claim faith and let go of fear?

My child, what do you want?


Could it be that the first light of seeing comes when we choose to take a stand of faith over fear? And could it be that facing our desires and acknowledging them is the beginning of tending to the weeds that have hidden the treasure of our soul? Could it be that those desires of wanting MORE is the path to which we will find the one who holds the key?

Making

Ordinary

Reality

Extraordinary

Reflection

With the New Year upon us, we find ourselves reflecting. Time has a way of shifting before our very eyes. Is it possible that the year has come and gone so quickly? Something is brewing in the air, and I look back over a life time of events and wonder how this year it is possible that I will face a half a century. Was it not my mother who was old and not I? I think back to the skinny little girl whose hair was always in her eyes and wonder if the remainder of my life will move even faster. Time is but a vapor, something to try to grasp.




Growing older often times finds us searching the mirror. We inspect our locks to see if we have new natural highlights in gray tones, or if our pooch has pooched further. We look from the front and the rear to make sure it’s all still in the same spot and has not melted down and out. Sometimes we look long and hard inspecting the results of ‘father time’ in hope of a miracle, to be pleasantly surprised by the magic of our beauty cream.




About a decade ago I found myself recognizing the tiny alien lines that had appeared out of nowhere. I couldn’t help but think, “That wasn’t there yesterday.” I began to reflect on how fleeting life is. It’s strange how a mirror can trigger us to reflect on life.




As a child, I use to love to look in the mirror and pretend to be in a commercial for what ever product was at hand. Yes, I was a drama queen and the mirror was my playground. As an adolescent, I looked to it for approval; rarely did I find it there. And as an adult the face staring back was a critical one, quick to find every imperfection (inside and out). The years followed right along whispering the ticking of the clock, tick tock, tick tock. One day I was inspecting the increasing crevices and something strange happened. I felt a gentle nudge from the Lord as he whispered, “You see with your eyes, but I see the heart.”




I realized that as often as I looked and no matter how hard, I couldn’t really see clearly. I could only see each individual line and detail of my face, but I wasn’t seeing the full picture. I had failed to step back and see that in some of those fine little lines there was a story to tell. Each line was a brush stroke in the portrait of my life, the years of experience as a wife and mother, the journey I had as my mother faced terminal cancer, and the season that was marked by the tornado that took our home, were all displayed quietly in each detail of my face. In all of the little details there lies a great story of hope and faith; a tale of sin and grace, depression and joy, hurt and healing. One day I passed by the mirror after a day of cleaning and no make-up to hide behind. The mirror called out… “You’re getting old.” But I heard the breath of the Lord say, “But you’re getting younger on the inside.” It is with each passing year that a new step is being taken toward the one who holds the mirror, the one who sees the full picture, the one who makes it all come together. The voice in the mirror is a liar, fickle and forever changing. But the one who holds the mirror never changes.




In life, we all have our own mirrors in which we look but do not see… Sometimes we rush through our daily routines peeking at the tangible, and forgetting there is more. We hurry to work so we can make a living and provide for our families. ‘Matter’ is all we sometimes remember, we forget that all the matter (or stuff) in this world really doesn’t matter after all. We focus on what we can only see with our eyes, which can be discouraging, frustrating and exhausting. Whether it is financial problems, in-law problems or health issues, we must step back and draw into our souls the true story of our hearts. There is a story in all our lives, a purpose and a reason! God can see that tale, that journey, so we must not lose heart. Perhaps if we step back far enough maybe those tiny lines (and maybe even the deeper creases) will disappear and we’ll see ourselves in the reflection of His eyes. Hope is then ours, to face the future and all its pages. He knows the lines of our lives, and sees the final chapter.

Focusing and truly seeing is the key to finding Him and his miracles all around us and through the strands of our life. Look beyond the mirror to the one who holds the truth. Maybe today we can look with our hearts not just our eyes and see our true reflection.




1 Corinthians 13:12: “Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”

Spy Games

                                                               

The mornings of dew had turned into mornings of frost, delicate in arrival. Still the sun refused to give up its post to the oncoming winter. Early morning melodies were exchanged for the honking of geese flying overhead; their perfect formation broken by a lone straggler. It was a new season and my soul was longing to hold tight to what was left of summer. Every year I faced a quiet grieving, the unwillingness to welcome the shorter days and darker hours.

My morning shuffle down the stairs had become routine; the creaking of my knees competed with the stairs. Only Shadow, our dog, and I dared to face the morning chill. I flipped the thermostat and listened for a sign of life from the basement. Drats, it's dead again, I thought. Another morning of cold hands and feet. Shadow let out his usual whimper as he stood by the door. Opening it, I began to take a mental note of my list for that day. A flood of anxiety washed over me. Looking around the house, I unknowingly began another list. So much to do and never enough time. How can that be? I am not working now and still I cannot keep up with all the demands.

As the morning moved forward I sat sipping my warm tea, trying to warm up by the fire, and took note of the room. The evidence of a home well lived stood before me. There were shoes scattered across the floor, wadded up socks from one pair of stinky feet, two laptops, unfolded clothes left from the last laundry day, school books, and the remains from some one's snack the night before. My mind began to race back to the last conversation I had with the young adults still living at home. I was excited to still have my family together, but the mess gnawed at me. How many times? How many times do I have to ask them, tell them, to pick up after themselves? Lord? How can I keep going at this pace? I felt myself sinking lower.

I was not ready for the answer I was given. It wasn't even a question really, rather more of a plea; a plea for someone to hear me, to care, to come to my rescue, to take it all away. Yet, the voice that stirred within me was not telling me that they needed to change. Instead I heard a very simple statement. You're not seeing with my eyes. I knew that voice and I understood what it meant. So how? Lord, how do I see differently than what is set before me? Help me Lord, to see in a fresh new way.

Taking in a deep breath I began to look around, hoping to see more clearly this time. There over the couch hung a large family portrait. The Lord nudged me. Blessings, you are blessed, he breathed. Next, I spotted the shoes and instead of them screaming out "inconsideration" they whispered, protection and provision. The unfolded pile of clothes gave their gentle reminder of a home that is relaxing. True priorities, living life is welcome here. I thought back to my own youth growing up in a home of strict rules and the fear of living freely.

I turned to look further, and found myself smiling. Does God actually play I SPY? I glanced to my left and took in the beauty of the stone fireplace. It's familiar beauty easily overshadowed most days by the clutter. Yet it provided so many warm memories. Ah yes, Lord, warmth on a cold day, you have given us shelter from many of life's storms. The college text books, their pages still open, revealed how He has provided for us in the toughest of times and gives us direction for our lives. Above the mantel hung the words, “God Bless This House.” He's been our refuge and has blessed us greatly.

I felt the Lord's peace wash over me, far different than the anxiety worn only a few moments prior. Suddenly I was seeing clearer. He had shown me that his love is in the unseen things that are right before our eyes, we just need to have eyes willing to see. He calls us to align our eyes to his, allowing us to have his perspective. He sees through the eyes of faith, love, joy and peace. It's the ultimate treasure hunt to which he is calling us. Let's pull out our faithful magnifying glasses each day and experience the miracles in the mundane. I SPY anyone?


Matthew 6:19-23
Treasures in Heaven
19 “Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 “The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!